today don't so much bother me..but it started last night... I went to bible study..so we didn't have to sit at home thinking..but even at bible study..I sat there and thought to myself...one year ago right now..we were at Grandma's saying goodbye... one year ago I was sitting a long side her bed knowing..this was surely the last time I would see her alive...It was hard...it was sad...that was my 1st time ever experiencing a death in my life..that I could really understand loss. I remember seeing her younger Grand-babies laying in bed beside her- holding on to her so different then what they knew b.c. it was always Grandma that held them... explaining to my Sondra why Grandma was sleeping so much and why she wasn't awake to open her goodies..that she knew she could get away with if she sat with Grandma to eat...or the thoughts in my head of wondering how the baby inside I carried would ever know really who she was...I've had this messed up sense of understanding when you carry a baby that the more your happy the more the baby will be happy..that even before they are born..they sense trouble and happiness...so I was convinced that I needed to try to be happy so is he or she wouldn't be a unhappy baby... well seeing Stuart..I still beleive that notion...
Today..or this time a year i'm not sad..but I am thankful for the memories I have of this woman.. I love seeing photos of Grandma and home videos of Grandma..she was this truly amazing woman..took care of the home when Grandpa was on the road when he drove trucks...raised 6 kids. She loved her family so much and loved so many that she treated as her own...
the most vivid or heart wrenching moment would have to be at Grandma's church service and it was before it started were sitting behind my Mom and Dad...in the second row..Sondra could see Grandma's open casket and how we explained it to her was Grandma was "sleeping" during the viewing....but.. so as we sat waiting for the service began..Sondra says I want Grandma..I want Grandma up..and my Mom turns around to get her...and she says no I want that Grandma and points to Grandma Sondra... I think that was really her first time understanding that she couldn't have her...it didn't stick with her..b.c. there are times we have to remind her Grandma isn't coming back..or she'll look at me and just out of no where say Mommy- Grandma Sondra died...or Grandma Sondra is riding Mystery right now..she can talk about Grandma with ease like matter of fact...whenever we pray she usually always mentions Grandma... so to my delight..I think Sondra does have a memory of Grandma...
I always liked hearing Grandma talk about Sondra and how she acts a lot like how my Mom did...not really a bad baby..but just very curious and wanted to know/see everything...she said my Mom spent the first 2 years of her life in the center of the kitchen table...Grandma would make her sit there while she cooked so she knew she wasn't getting into anything...and also..Grandma swore she had baby pictures of her and her sister where Sondra kind of looked like them with the blonde curly hair...she would always say she wished she had 1/4 of Sondra's energy..b.c. she is always going 100 mph...
whenever I think about what Grandma may be doing in Heaven I always think she is holding the Grand babies that she was never able to hold..where they were lost before they were born..or holding Baby Ali that we lost at mere months old... my Sondra likes to think that she is riding Mystery at the Mall shopping... and I like to think she is right too..
So today I don't mourn but rejoice that I had this wonderful woman in my life that has and still inspires me to a better person and Christian everyday. Grandma Sondra was a beautiful woman that I wish I can be like...she was truly the "Wife of Noble Character"...Thank you Lord for blessing me with the opportunity of being her Grand-Daughter... Gram- I love you....
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