Endless unfinished Confessions Late/Early in the morning

sssooo... its 3:53 in the morning... wow....when has it been the last time that I was up at this time and not taking care of a crying baby....hmm... can't recall..but I'm grinning sheepishly.

So this has been on my mind... I am finding hard to concentrate to someone when they get real "salty" about a person...like... I'm probably contradicting myself... I'll "explain"... people never stay the same..they change, the "evolve"... hopefully into something better... well these said people aren't the same..but sometimes I look at them and only see what they were... I would not be a very good God b.c. its hard for to think who I am today God has forgotten everything I did to get where I am. what changed me moved me... and made me realize..hey maybe doing that isn't such a good idea....maybe he is right... anyways to the point....everyone has a past they are not proud of..but I worry like people I see before I actually really grew up and I wonder if they think..oh ya thats Joie.. remember when she did...blah blah balh.. remember when she got in trouble and for blah blah balh...i don't think I was a horrendous kid..but also according to Jake I was a lot worse then him...but hey everyone can't be perfect lol..love you... ..and I wonder if they look at me with that same saltly attitude and can't see me now for who I am....I also have some people so fooled well not fooled but really just didn't go to school with me and are embarrassed to say PISS in front of me. lol....but also weirdly..I had someone in my church make a comment to me very harmless... oh you were a wild child..I heard about you..I was talking to someone about you the other day at work....1. How would my name come up in a conversation to begin with and 2. that very moment heat rose up to my neck and self doubt and guiltiness crept on me.... it makes you second guess forgiveness..I was young and very dumb...only difference now is I'm young/dumb/2 kids/a faithful husband.... I done things so irresponsible like "all kids do"..but man if my  own kids do some of the things I did..I'd rip them apart with my bear hands and wonder why my own parents didn't do that themselves...hey I was the baby..maybe they were just use to it..lol... hmm more unfinished thoughts...this could be a theme tonight

I have people in my life especially a best friend that I what maybe 4 1/2 5 years wouldn't have spat on her if she was dying of thirst in a desert...but some how in this funny life...we became best friends... hmm... lol...anyways...she really isn't what I am really talking about above- I'm saying that now b.c. a lot of people who aren't as close to me or haven't seen me in a while see me with her and get back with me later ..and go...wait??? I thought we use to hate her?? ....heh...shows how sad I was. Or really how immature I was... not that is was fully one person's fault to why we didn't get along in the beginning...but anyways I guess thats what happens when you grow up.

also... which how uncomfortable it is to admit... but why do people call themselves "uncles" and "aunts" to kids when they are not?and I know its light heart and with all my nephews and nieces I always feel this way every time anyone does it but also ... I think into my own situation. We do not do that with our own kids. They have great Aunts Uncles and Grand parents.... but also I am referred to a Aunt with 2 different families..like I just didn't look at the kids and say..I am your aunt Joie and that is what your supposed to call me... I look at it as- being in the situation... I feel honored that I am looked upon that way and they regard me in that way. Not that I don't feel that great admiration the other way around but I can see why and am very willing to step up b.c. maybe this is me here- the kid's blood aunts/uncles aren't exactly up to par... and each family is very different...like its a unspoken bond ..

like with Sondra.....she heard them (both families) refer to me as Aunt Joie and she caught on...so not wanting to confuse her I told her that's your "Fake Aunt/Uncle"...they could be your Aunt/Uncle as much time we spend with them and love to be with them..but they are not mommy or Daddy's brother and sister..that seems to work..... but on the other end... with my nephews and niece I see that..and I'm a bit jealous...lol.. how sad is that??.. but I got to remember that every situation isn't the same...I know within my family being a aunt/uncle is like a club ya know...being in that club you get to pick on..spoil....embarrass..be updated..cutest pictures you can display...and be "surrogate" parents to... so its kind of exclusive club..I guess this is just a proud Aunt Talking lol... :)... I don't even know where I am going with this really...its been on my mind..because I am not one way or the other..but in the middle..is this relevant with anyone at all really....or will you be asking someone if you read Joie's blog and how lame she is lol......
.really... I am very proud of my Nephews and Niece including surrogates and soon with Mel/Jonas have another one on the way...and before we know it Kayla will be next and Jess to become pregnant..and then I'm sure Rachel's kids will be close together...My goodness..its like I went from one to 3 and its just seems like its going to explode...and I know and am happy to report I am excited for each and every additional Niece and Nephew to come I'll have pictures to show off...also to note I am going to have complete green eyed wanting another baby myself with everyone have the babies...sadly.

.IDK..I'm not too sure when the 3rd one will be..we always said when Jake is 30 we are done..and then its me when I am thrity..and now after our birthdays...both of us having the same outlook like... we were supposed to be in a "different" place in our life at this point..but you know.. after feeling duped after hearing that from the Mr. and even me thinking the same thing...I have come to the point is...we are here and we will make the best of it...you can only live each day to the fullest...although financially we are not where we want to be...housewise we weren't supposed to be here after 5 years...and we were supposed to done having kids in 4 years.... I'm to the point that isn't going to happen..and the only thing you can plan on in life is Death & Taxes (courtesy of my Dad telling me that one day...idk why that stuck with me..he would probably be sad at that fact too) also while thinking and laughing to myself one more saying stuck in my head: "if all the ifs and buts were candies and nuts- Oh what a happy man I'd me or its oh what a happy Day that would be"....lol sorry Dad..maybe I should have paid more attention to the important life lessons in life...

I think I have been here there up down all night... I can't think straight... I have had so much in this brain about stuff... I think i just may be ADHD... this is all over the place...
also one funny ...Monday Night my Inlaws come over...to drop off Jake's Bday present..we are sitting and talking and they ask Sondra..Sondra what does Mommy want for her birthday?...and you can't deny my girl isn't looking out for me..."Mommy wants More jewelry" lol..oh I love that curly unruly child..  one good point though I have gotten her out of Fair Mode...beat it out of her really..but now camp out is this weekend..so she'll be back to running wild...and I will soon have to reign her back in come Monday Night.

another thing to think about...wait I got to stop I'm confusing you and its almost ten till 5... I'm gonna regret this one...for the time and for spilling everything out on the table... hate me love..I am who I am ( I hate that saying) but it is fitting for me...maybe...wee hours in the morning you become deathly honest and can't help it... that'll be my excuse if anyone shall ask about this post...

well I got to be going...still not one bit tired...maybe I'll watch Tv...I do however see a nap in my immediate future at camp out.. hopefully Stu and Sondra are easy on me tomorrow... Much Love...