I'll start this out with- I'm probably saying too much but its on my mind and if its on my mind its on my heart...and sometimes it just needs shared...maybe its time finish blog writing and get back into my journal....... this is personal...and what is going on right now...
Since having a adoptive brother... also foster siblings that my children have grown not knowing what it is like without them..the kids love their Uncle Coolie, John, Alfred...so it breaks my heart that John isn't living with my parents anymore. Moved out Sunday..its always inevitable with older foster kids as they approach the 18 year mark. For so long they think 18 is being "grown". Your a Man at 18 boy! Which is so far from the truth that it is sad. Its like you can feel it coming...the first heart break that I can remember was Quinntell. He was 2 grades older than me. Shanetta which a lot of you know her Quinntell is her older brother. Anyways- tell was doing great. Normal kid...was a freshman in high school. well he ended up getting in a "fight" with one of our cousins at school...so really it was a "family feud" which school said if Quinntell would just apologize for fighting and apologize to Principal for being disrespectful than he could stay in school. ...well he had to be a MAN!..wouldn't apologize...so couldn't stay at Allen East which meant he could no longer live @ our house. One way or another he ended up on the wrong path. He ended up spending a little while in jail.... and then went back to jail and still is in jail. Its sad. If he hadn't moved out and just stayed in school and had a positive environment..I believe he wouldn't be where he is today.... Environment is a lot in a kid's future. not always..but a lot of it is.
But when I see my foster brother move out..just makes me sad. Makes me afraid for his future. I am sorely pissed off at Allen County Children's Service because instead of kicking him out of foster care b.c. he turned 18 they could have kept him instead of telling him your a man you 18 you don't have to listen to anybody.....nope they wanted him off their books. I whole heartily believe that. Their advice to him was quit high school. Get your GED then enlist in the Army then. Not until I called around to each branch they all told me NO do not quit school. They value EDUCATION and there are only a few special slots for people who have their GED and those are never guaranteed to anybody.....wouldn't you think they would have called and asked about those things before telling a kid that.... From there on since John was out of foster care- he has been living with my parents...My parents biggest goals have been to get the boys graduated from High School..Coolie wanted to go to college...he got there attends Tiffin...John from Day 1 wanted to join the Army make it a career. Well that was the plan. its not that I don't think he won't get there- its just... scares me... I don't understand why a kid wants to make it hard on himself. a lot can happen when your basically on your own. I just would have never pegged him as the one to leave the house. He just has always kept or tried keeping Alfred his little brother on the straight and narrow so he doesn't mess anything up and having to move out b.c. Alfred got in so much trouble. Just doesn't make sense. I don't understand it..I just hate this right now..and I had to come home to write this blog b.c. I knew I couldn't write it at work b.c. I've already cried half the day there about it all..just thinking about it.... and what kills me the most....
on the way home last night....I'm crying...like ugly crying...and Sondra asks why I'm crying...and I tell her b.c. John moved out. Just really sad and scared for him...and she says with her wrestling medal around her neck he gave her before he left...but she says...don't worry Momma John will come back. He said he will be back in 7 days.... and I just yeah ok Sondra...then we get home and I am getting her out and she hugs me patting my back and say don't worry Momma.. just know he is going to come back. He said he would visit me and I go will go to his house.....(i don't know whether that is what he told her to keep her happy or she just make believed it all) but either way it breaks my heart. What will I tell her in a few weeks when we get there and she asks..where's John?...I'm just a foster sister and my heart is breaking....breaking b.c. he has so much potential in his future. I hope to God and will pray everyday that he stays on his path. That he graduates and he gets enlisted in the Army.
And I'm not angry at him..I am just disappointed. and like family..I'm ready to defend him...he is just like any 18 year old high school student who thinks they are grown up and instead of having no where else to go like normal kids...he has that option of going of with another set of parents....I just don't want to hear anybody or anyone putting him down.....what he is doing he thinks he is right and he knows the weight of his decisions.... How do you explain to someone that they are making a mistake that will effect them for the rest of their lives?
I don't know whether I love the experience of growing up doing foster care or hate it. Before doing foster care I can't even tell you one black person I had ever actually knew. It taught me to look past color and now... I don't even see color. I don't believe I was really racist but it opened me up to a world that I didn't know it existed. I love that my children don't even see color when they look at people....these days Sondra will describe herself has tan or the boys as brown...but never the normal way. But she isn't scared of black asian or meixican people like some kids are b.c. they are not around people of different ethnicity. but right now...I'd give all that up or any positive of foster care of I knew for a fact John would without a doubt graduate and enlist in the Army..or if John would be home and none his decisions were never made...my heart just hurts so much right now. I knew 18 is the age that foster kids usually do this..but honestly I thought he would be different...I don't know whether to become harder and just give up..or keep pestering him to straighten up..keep reminding him family don't walk out..family tells you when your making a mistake. what am I supposed to do? I guess I want to ask everyone to pray for John's future.
on to "better" news....Austin has had 3 good days :). Right now its a waiting game. He gets CT scans everyday and they are just watching his progress. I'm so very happy for him. Its going to be a long journey..but he is going to get better :). Can't wait to see his eyes open and his goofy smile...
No comments:
Post a Comment